Sentiment

There were times I barely notice tears flowing upon my eyes. Every music I listened to seems like telling my story, the places we've been at seem like flashing, optically clear, the memories of the moments we had, the darkness and the coldness of the nights are killing me from so much longing. The hypocrisy that everything, since so much time had passed, is alright and that I'm okay is pulling me into the deep, immense and pitch-dark dimension of absurdity. I so much pity myself because my greatest enemy is my own self. Despite the pain and endless hurting and crying, my heart never stop in loving him. I fell deeply in love and now I do not know how will I ever fall out of it.

RESPECT, the only word that I kept on insisting to myself, since it's the only thing I could ever regain. A part of my mind never stop in hoping, that one of these days he'll come and everything will be back to what they used to be. He is the source of my sadness, and therefore, he will be the reason of my happiness. But the other part of my mind is seemed to be more than willing to do anything and give everything just to delete every memories and the intense feeling that keeps on pulling me back, holding me and imprisoning me in the dark dungeon of stupidity.

TIME, my only remaining hope to escape this insanity. Someday... Yes.. Oh someday, I'll learn to stand again, begin once again, fall in love again to one dynamic man who will promise to never ever leave me, whom I will watch the lovely sunset with while sitting on our rocking chairs and holding one another's wrinkled, thin or rather fat hands.

Here's a promise not to rush things out, that I must take all my time and be a dynamic woman..for a dynamic man is only for a dynamic woman. I will meet him soon..sure I will..at the right time..

Nonesense Sentiment (Torn-Apart)

It had been quite so long since I started feeling this; a pain brought by something I never thought would come to an end. I felt it like a knife stabbing my entire body. I felt so restless and I hadn’t stopped counting my sleepless nights and it seemed to me like I wouldn’t stop counting for the rest of my life.
I was over him or so I thought I was. It was never easy and I’d been spending my time searching for an escape through which I would not feel the pain. I needed somebody who would listen and would perfectly understand how I feel. But I think that somebody does not exist.
The pain was so intense. And there were times I didn’t know how would I had to express it when tears wouldn’t be enough. Sometimes I just had to burst everything out into laughing. Sounds so crazy and stupid but I had no choice. I had to do everything to lessen the pain or it would eat me up entirely.
“Cherish the pain,
Then let it just pass you by…
That’s the only way you’ll survive the cruelty of love.”

"I want him back. Not because I love him, not because I care for him but because I am used to him. And I never want to part from anything."
-Agnes Dempster- Madness of a Seduced Woman

It’s absurd how people would just realize what they had lost until they experience the agony of regret. We chose and we decide and whatever lives we have today are always a part of our destiny.We should stop on relying to our past for too long, because if we do we'll miss the chance for change and growth. Life is a constant cycle of coming and leaving. People come and intrude our lives for a while then they will leave. Being left behind by the people we had learned to treasure might hurt but not for so long because there’s nothing time can’t heal.

A Life Costs Fifteen Peso

How much does your life costs?
How can I forget the pathetic look of her eyes? They were bulging, teary and reflect a chain of miseries and intolerable pain.
At last, vacation is over. Now is my time to get back to my life in the city as a Medical Technology student. I was on my way when I passed an old neighbor’s house; a Just-Enough-To-Protect-Them-From-Any-Kind-Of-Weather-Type, rustling, paints are fading and everybody can see the inside from the outside. There she was, a woman in mid 50’s whose body is the actual mirror of her sufferings. She was sitting on her old wooden rocking chair, rubbing her chest, coughing continuously and she was oblivious to her surroundings due to the pain that she was trying to tolerate. It took me a little while before I decided and since it’s been more than half a decade when I last saw her, I greeted my warmest “hello ate Tess.” Then she stared at me for a moment, I was certain that she was trying to remember who I was. “Ay si Lyka pala ito..dalaga na ah..” and she threw me a big smile. I thought that stopping for a while and having a little chit-chat with her would be a nice idea since I was not really in a hurry.
She suffered a mild stroke a couple of years ago, and from then on change rapidly came to their lives. She had been hospitalized only for a while even though her condition was really sensitive at the time because of poverty; her husband is a retired member of the army and the couple were blessed with four children.
I was wearing our school uniform at that time and I suppose that she decided to take advantage of that knowing that I know few things about medicine. “Sumasama ang pakiramdam ko Lyk. Pa B.P naman..”
“Sige ho..kaya lang, wala po akong dalang gamit..meron ho ba kayo..?”
“Wala Lyk eh.. akala ko kasi may dala ka..ang sama kasi talaga ng pakiramdam ko..” and tears were flowing upon her eyes.. I felt her pain, it was so intense. And I felt bad about myself because I couldn’t give her the help that she needed.
“Ayos lang Lyk..itutulog ko nalang ito..” and she still managed to smile.
Millions of voltage stroked my heart like a lightning. I felt so worthless. I wanted to help the person but I can’t. Good thing I was with my mom and she knew that I was troubled at that moment. “Ah diba may dumadaan dito araw-araw na kumukuha ng B.P..?”
“Oo..kaya lang may bayad eh..ayos lang ito..” faint smile grew from both sides of her lips, “itutulog ko nalang..”
“M..magkano po ba ang bayad ate Tess..?” God, I felt so goddam stupid.
“Kinse Lyk eh.”
Huh? It costs fifteen pesos and it seemed like a million to her that she couldn’t afford. I felt my soul left my body. To many, fifteen peso doesn’t count. But to this woman, her life costs fifteen peso.
“ayos lang ito Lyk..salamat.. itutulog ko lang ito..ayos na..”
“ah..nahihilo po ba kayo..?”
“Oo Lyk eh..”
“Uminom ho kayo ng Pineapple Juice ate Tess..nakakababa po yun ng blood pressure.. saka umiwas ho kayo sa mga matataba at mamantika…” I felt so miserable. Advices were the only thing I could offer her. But mom whispered to me, “sige tuloy kana..ako ng bahala..lilibre ko nalang si ate Tess ng pang B.P..” then she tap me on my shoulder. I adore my mom a lot. It was a relief. I just couldn’t help thinking of her and it left me a big impact.

The Madness of a Seduced Woman

“A REMARKABLE BOOK….A RIVETING, INTRICATE AND ALTOGETHER ASTONISHING NOVEL.”

-Alice Walker

The Madness of a Seduced Woman

Susan Fromberg Schaeffer

Set in turn-of-the-century Vermont, here is a shocking, timeless novel of obsessive love….a haunting portrait of one woman’s fierce abandonment to her dreams and passions—and her tragic descent into a world from which she might never escape…

Agnes Dempster is a mysteriously beautiful woman who has shielded her heart against anything but a perfect love. Not until she meets one dynamic man does she experience the first awakenings of all-consuming passion. To him she gives herself completely, joyously, desperately. Until betrayal demands from her a terrible and unforgiving vengeance.

“ENGROSSING… A WOMAN IMAGINED AS WE WOULD NEVER DARE.”

-The New York Times Book Review

Whoa..! I mean this book is more than astonishing! I’ve been spending a lot of my time reading books. And I must admit that I am currently in love with this book. The Madness of a Seduced Woman is more than just a love story. It was magnificently written and it’s timeless.

I could perfectly see myself in the character of Agnes. (Except of course for the fact that she was born inside the package of wealth and beauty. Other people thought that there’s nothing else in the world she would ever wish for. ) She had longed for a perfect love and thought she had found it or at least she thought she had. She met Frank, the man who awakened the intense affection that drove her to do things she had never imagined doing and she had isolated herself inside the imaginary world she had created for the two of them. Agnes became as blind and as deaf as she had been to the world that she thought had never liked her from the beginning. It’s sad to think, that her love for him had only brought her into an inescapable nightmare.

Love is indeed a dangerous thing. It is a great equalizer; it can turn a devil to a sweetest angel and can definitely turn an angel to a freakish devil.

When you love, you’ll be willing to do anything and everything just to have it. Not even the impossible thing can stop you.

I Want You To Stay

How can I tell you to stay..?

How can I tell you not to leave me?

Do I have the right to stop you.

Of course I will let you do what you want,

do what you think is right.

If leaving me will make you a better person...

"Go on.."

You will never hear anything from me..

Even though i suffer the pain.

I Chose To Love

I'm in a sort of a typical-teenage problem; being trapped in the middle of confusion. You're probably thinking it correctly. I'm inlove. And I'm confused about if this is right to be called love. how can we distinguish love from other powerful affection when sometimes, they are decieving? how can other people be sure when they say they are ready, or how can they positively say that they are destined for each other?

I may not know the answer. But I know that we just have to trust our feelings. And then we'll see what we are looking for.

I chose to love and continue loving. This is what I feel. And I know it's real.

Ang Hiwaga

Maraming bagay sa buhay ang mahirap unawain at ipaliwanag. Pagkat ang buhay ay sadyang mahiwaga. Paano mo maipaliliwanag kung papaanong ang bawat maliliit na aksyon ay nagbibigay daan tungo sa malalaking kaganapan. Halimbawa ay kung papaanong sa simpleng ngiting iyong binitawan ay nakilala mo ang taong makakapiling mo hanggang sa huling sandali ng iyong buhay, kung papaanong ang konting baryang hinulog mo ay nakapagliligtas ng isang buhay, kung papaanong ang maliit na piraso ng tinapay na ibinahagi mo sa iyong kapwa ay nakapagbago ng isang katauhan, at kung papaanong ang isa mong maling sagot sa isang katanunga'y magdulot sa iyo ng kapahamakan.

Ang buhay ay parang isang pelikula na kung saan ang bawat isa ay bida. At ang mga kawing-kawing na kaganapang ito ang bumubuo sa isang istorya.